Dear Mr Right, The Final Letter

I'm so sorry for stopping my last post when I did. It wasn't my intention to leave it on a cliff hanger, but I don't think I prepared myself for how overwhelming I'd find writing about the break up. I had a bit of a melt down and a damn good cry. So, I took a step away from it for a few days and calmed myself down. I'm the sort of person to always finish what I start, so here's the rest of the story. I still don't really understand why it had to happen, but let's see if we can't get through explaining what went on, to see if some of it can finally make sense. It will probably be an epic read, but this is how it happened, these are my thoughts and feelings.... this is my final letter to Mr Right.

love CB  xx

You'd been working so hard over the last few weeks and you'd already warned me that the week ahead was going to be stressful, so when I returned home late on the Monday night to you in a bit of a daze, I wasn't really surprised. You were really quiet, but still looked like yourself. To be honest, I was a little preoccupied as I had a busy week ahead too and the following day was a big one for me at work. So we were both up early the next day and although a little quiet again that morning, I didn't think too much about it. I did think about it when I got home that night and once again you were staring at the tv. I'd had the biggest day of my career and you never once asked about it. You were like a zombie, just staring into the distance. I remember asking you what the matter was, if you were OK, but you just said you were tired and that you needed a good night's sleep, so we went to bed. I don't really remember the Wednesday night, I'd been super stressed at work and just needed a cuddle and sleep. You were a little chattier but it was late. The following morning, you rushed out, barely having time to kiss me goodbye. I knew then that there was a problem. I saw my mum that evening and told her that I was a bit worried about you, so I resolved myself to having a chat with you when I arrived back. I wish I hadn't now, I wish I hadn't pushed, as a part of me died that night when you said that you were having doubts about us. You'd been on the phone to someone when I walked in, I'm still not sure who that was, but you jumped up. We should have talked longer that night, but the shock of it all frightened me. I called my mum and she said to go back to her house and I did. I'm so sorry for leaving that night, but I told you I'd return the following day. Obviously, you won't know what happened next in my world, and I have no idea what happened in yours. I did see you at the window as I drove away and all I could think of was that I wanted you to stop me leaving, but you didn't.

I arrived back at my parents' house, to both my mum and dad looking as shocked as I felt, we talked about what had happened and my mum, who still to this day has faith in you, said to give you time to think things through.
I returned to our home the following day and don't remember much about the conversation apart from asking you not to throw away what we had. We'd never argued, even the previous night, and I genuinely thought that we could get through whatever doubts you were having. But unfortunately, you didn't. I cried heavy and heartfelt as I packed a box of my things and you helped me put it into the car. We said our goodbyes and I honestly thought that was the last time I'd see you.

I had a busy weekend ahead, it was the royal wedding which we were holding events at work for and there was also a big charity event on the Sunday that you should have been attending with me. The weekend passed in a bit of a blur. I didn't tell anyone what had happened, so fibbed when people asked where you were. I'd told them you'd gone back to your parents for family stuff. As I arrived back to my parents that night, I made the decision that I better tell my closest friends what had happened. I had found it so hard to keep a face in place that day and I wasn't comfortable lying to them; so I sent a brief text and cried again at the responses. Everyone was so shocked as nobody had seen it coming.... tell me about it! You did text me on the Sunday night, just as I'd sent my text out, hoping the event had gone well. I said it had and thanked you for remembering. I kept checking my phone for a reply right through the night, but none came. The next morning passed in a daze, but I needed to get to work and face the day. Which is what I did, and what I have been doing ever since.
A text from you came that afternoon, but I had no idea how to reply, I needed to keep my head in place as I worked, so I swallowed it until I had chance to think. As I picked up my phone to reply, you walked through the door.
At that moment a thousand thoughts ran through my head, what we're you here for, is it going to be OK? Had you changed your mind or had you come to finalise everything for us splitting up? Had you packed my things? I daren't hope, but when you asked me to talk, I knew that you were here for everything I'd hoped for. I could tell in your voice, the voice I so long to hear now, that you were nervous, but hopeful too. As we went into the kitchen at work I held my breathe and said a silent prayer. I felt like the princess being rescued by her prince when you started telling me how much you regretted everything and how sorry you were. There was no doubt in my mind to forgive you, we were taking a massive step together and everyone deserves a wobble and a second chance.
You sat with me whilst I finished work, we talked about the house and how much you still wanted to push on with all our plans. You told my colleague that I was the best thing that ever happened to you and that you couldn't risk losing me for good. I still, even know, feel that way about you. You're still the one for me.

We went back to my parents' house and you apologised to them, this wasn't something I asked of you, but you did it anyway. I had so much respect for you right there and even though my heart was bursting, my tummy was filling with anxiety. I think it was just the amount of stress and emotions I'd been holding back, but also the realisation of how close I'd come to losing you. We drove home in our separate cars and when we arrived back at the apartment, you'd already ordered pizza. We talked some more that night, but you reassured me that this was everything you wanted and I believed you. I didn't really sleep well that night and I still couldn't shift the anxiety. I didn't know why and I explained this to you. You got a bit pushy about me going to swim it off but I really didn't feel like it. I just assumed that once we'd settled ourselves down again, it would disappear.
You helped that afternoon to collect the things from my parents house and as we carried everything up the stairs, you made me promise that the next time we moved those boxes, it would be into the house we were going to live in for the next 50 years. I made that promise without a doubt in my mind. You were everything I'd ever wanted. You were my hero, my Prince, my future but most importantly, my best friend.
We should have been going out that night, but you wanted to get the rest of the paper work sorted for the house. This was urgent but as we sat to sign the piece of paper that would secure our dream home I checked that you were 100% sure, you said you were, and asked if I was too. Of course I felt I was, but then you asked me another question, What would I do if you said you wasn't sure. I thought you were joking, so my flippant reply was, 'there's always a room at my mum's,'....... I know now, having learned a few things since we split, that that was probably the worse thing I could have said. I didn't mean it as I said it, I was trying to make light of the situation, but I think deep down you took it to heart. You were a bit quiet again that night and fell asleep on the couch. But really, that was the real beginning of the end for us.....

The following morning, you got up for work and I set off shortly afterwards. It started as a typical day, but after texting you in the afternoon and not receiving a reply I knew I wasn't going home to a happy end to the day.
You were in bed when I got home. You'd not really looked after yourself the weekend we'd been apart, so it had taken it's toll. I'm not really sure what happened really. You told me you'd been having doubts about the house and during that day, so had I, so I told you, we could put the plans for the house on hold. That was fine, but then things started to escalate and suddenly there was no turning back. The doubts you were having were getting bigger and I felt powerless to stop them growing. I called my mum, she said not to do anything drastic. You went and called your parents. although, I know you never spoke to them even though you told me you had. I spoke to your mum the following day. I knew though that when you came back in, you'd decided. I'd already packed a bag as my gut was saying it was done. If only I'd have stayed and fought.

I didn't know it at the time how much it had hurt you that your ex had walked out on you. I know you'd split up before, but you'd just bought your house together and were very much in a similar situation as we were. But for whatever reason, she walked away. I don't think it helped us that we needed to be in contact with her while sorting our mortgage, a constant reminder of the things that have gone wrong in the past. I just wish you could see that I'm not her and that I do love you so much. I'd have never left permanently, not really. But I think you saw me leaving that night as a reflection that I was the same as her and that I was going to hurt you eventually in the same way. I'd already showed you I was capable. But, I didn't think I was leaving You. I was leaving a situation that I didn't know how to handle. Please understand, the person I love more than anything in this world was telling me he had doubts about our future. There was obviously a lot going on in your head at the time, but I'll never forgive myself for not fighting for you that night, for not trying to show you what you mean to me. You probably thought, that if I could leave so easily yet again, that you'd made the right decision. But I need you to know that it wasn't easy. I know that night was the first time I'd shouted at you. You'd helped me put my things in the car, but then you just stood there. I needed you in that moment to stop this. To realise what a mistake we were making, but you just stared at me. So I shouted. I shouted at you and I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.
I let you down that night and proved any fears you had correct, but I didn't mean too. Please understand just how scared I was in those moments. I was about to lose you and if it was going to happen I wanted it over quickly. I honestly thought when things had calmed down, that we'd be able to sort things.

I've told you in a text message how much I regret what happened. I don't think you can express in a text those sorts of feelings. It doesn't seem enough. I wish I knew how you really feel about it. I've seen you just once since this happened and I was almost relived to see that you looked how I felt. You were tired and drawn. You watched me drive away again that night, I saw you watching. I just wonder what you were thinking. Were you happy that I'd left? Did you know that it would be the final time you'd see me? Did it hurt you as much as it hurt me?
I'd like to believe that your actions are those of someone wishing to protect themselves. You've stopped all contact now. Sent some really harsh messages and told me you don't want to see me. Those closest to me are saying it's because you're hurting and I need to give you time to miss me, but as much as that's a nice thought, I daren't think about it. I almost need to think about you being horrid to me as it allows me to miss you a little less. If I could turn the clock back, there's so much about those last few weeks we had together that I'd change. I'd make sure that you knew without a shadow of a doubt how much you meant to me. I wouldn't be so tired all the time and I'd ensure you knew that I wasn't taking you for granted. I'd fight for you with every ounce of my being.

It's normal to have doubts when you're taking the steps that we were. Getting a house together was massive and I understand that it was bigger for you because it had already gone wrong once before. We'd talked about marriage and children too, which again, is scary stuff. But these things didn't have to happen straight away, or at all. I need you to know that I wasn't with you because of what you could give me. Material things don't matter. I was with you because I was in love with you, you the person. You who could talk to anyone about anything and you did. You who made me belly laugh and you, who had the kindest eyes and kindest heart you could ever hope to find in a person. It was you I wanted, nothing more.

Over the time we were together, you weren't only my boyfriend, or partner. You weren't just the person I lived with or the person I woke up to each morning. The person I had sex with and fell asleep with each night. You weren't just the person I called when something happened during my day or just the person who cooked me dinner each evening. You were all of those things to me. Each and every one. You became my best friend. The person who meant the most to me. It's hard letting that go. It's hard to think that you might be doing that with someone else one day. Its even harder to think that we'll never get the chance to do all those things together again. I miss you, so much it hurts. And I still don't really understand how it came to this. It feels so wrong, like we've thrown it away.

We never had a row or a fight. Maybe we should have done but we'd already said it was such a waste of time. The closest we've come is the last text messages we sent. I'm still feeling bad about my final message, but I do stand by it. The guilt is that it may have hurt you, not that it wasn't true. I told you I don't recognise you right now. You're not the person I fell in love with. He was warm and kind and you're someone cold that's taken over his body. I told you I thought you'd lost your integrity and true self. Maybe the integrity bit was true, but what's been lost is my Mr Right. The one I fell for. The person you were when you were with me. The most sweetest, selfless, caring man. You're funny and chatty and home. You are my home. My friend, my lover, my future. Losing you means I've lost everything I'd hoped for us. And I'm sorry I never showed you in those final days just how much that meant to me. I've lost my Mr Right and I'm going to have to learn to grieve for that person because he's not coming back. You don't exist any longer. And that's heart breaking. 

I've said before how sorry I am about walking away, I know I'm just repeating myself now. But I was so shocked about everything that my instinct was to flee. But I should have cared more. I should have put you first. I was so scared I wasn't thinking straight. My brother thinks I should never have moved out. That weekend you were away, I packed up my things and emptied our home of any trace of me. I can say that with every box filled and item moved I felt a stabbing pain in my gut. A constant reminder that what we were doing was wrong, that it shouldn't be happening, but I didn't know what the right thing to do was. We didn't really talk about it and I honestly felt that I was hurting you by just being there.
I'll regret forever not showing you that the doubts you had were unfounded. I want to be there to support you through whatever it is you're going through. I'm still here and I'll be here for you. If only I could show just how much I need you and how much I know you need me. We can be that team again. but more than anything right now I'm scared of pressuring you and making you feel overwhelmed. 
Maybe that was how you were feeling, overwhelmed, and it was just easier to end everything than try and work through it. I just don't know and without talking to you I'll never know how to fix things. But the fear of making things worse stops me each time I try to text and every time I pick up the phone. You have no idea how much I miss hearing your voice. But this is the way you want it to be and right now I'm to frightened to try and change it.

There's that saying about if you love something you must let it go. So I'm really trying. You've told me to move on, I'm not sure it's that easy, but I will let you go. In the true hope that when you've dealt with whatever it is that's causing you all the heartache and confusion you may come back. This doesn't mean that I'm putting my life on hold, or that I won't be moving forward, but right now I'm taking time to heal, to try to learn to live without you. 

It's pretty tough to hear that someone's life is better without you in it. I mean, that's quite a hurtful thing to say, let alone hear. And that's basically what you said to me in your last text, that you're happy and nothing I can say will change your mind. It was like being stabbed through the heart. It did give me a fuck you stance too, but that didn't really last. That's why it's so hard too, because that's not something You would ever normally say. It's not in your nature to be so harsh. Even if you lost your rag, you're always the one to feel guilty about it. 

I still wonder what you're up to most days. How you're filling the time we'd have spent together. I hate to think of you on your own, but maybe that's what you need right now. I'm sure you'll have planned a few getaways during the holidays, basically picking up the life you had before we met. I just wish it was us going away and making memories together. It makes me cross too, as I'm still here picking up the pieces of our relationship and you're very much further on than me. 
You're my first thought in a morning. You're where my mind goes in those moments of calm during each day. I think about you as I'm going to sleep and you haunt my dreams like a lost soul. 

If by any chance you have read this, I just want to say yet again that I'm sorry. For leaving, for not supporting you and fundamentally not being there that first night you explained your doubts. Maybe if I'd have stayed, we wouldn't be where we are now. If I could change things I would. In a heartbeat. And if you have any feelings left for me, please don't be afraid to get in touch. I'm too scared to contact you now. I don't think my heart could cope with the rejection. I'm still finding it hard to understand how it came to this. We were just so happy and even though nobody has a perfect relationship, ours came close. Maybe your feelings hadn't been as strong as mine and you are relieved its all over. Maybe you feel it's best that you're on your own for now. Maybe you've already met someone new and you're starting over with them; that's the one that hurts the most. Maybe what we had really was as great as I think and maybe, just maybe, it's worth another shot, one last push to see if we can sort ourselves out, because don't we deserve that? Maybe start again from the beginning, write a different ending?
 I know it's a long shot and I know that you told me to move on. But it's not that easy when it's not what you truly want. I still love you, I'm still in love with you. I don't really know what else to say. That's my truth....... I don't think it will be enough, but I'm hopeful.

Forever in my heart.
CB xx