So now you know what happened with my break up, you might be wondering what all the fuss is about. It was hardly the break up of dramatic proportions was it. It wouldn't make a great story line in a soap. But the fact is, it happened and it matters to me. I think it was because of how quickly it all ended and how out of the blue it was. I was in shock for the first few weeks. I knew it was hurting but I couldn't understand it. I still don't really, without being able to read Mr Right's mind I don't think I'll ever really get the answers to the thousands of questions I've still got.
I want to thank you all for the lovely messages I've received since that last post. I certainly wasn't expecting so many people to get in touch. It's been so nice to hear that I'm not alone in my break up woes. I must admit, reading all your comments, as positive as they were left me with mixed emotions; I'm grateful that you all got in touch with positive comments and advice, but it also was a constant reminder of what was lost. Writing about it all and reading it back, then it being published for everyone to read left me rather emotional and feeling quite exposed and raw. I wasn't really sure writing about my relationship was the right thing to do, but it's what I'm going through and my way of processing it all. It's heart-warming that you were all so touched by my story. I've had a lot of encouragement from you lovely readers and some of you have even been pushing me to send the post as a letter to him. I'm not sure I've the strength for that. I can see him now, in his grey sweat pants, bare chested; sat in his Sherlock chair reading. But if my letters were sent to him, I don't think he'd read them. I don't think right now he cares. I'm sure it won't make anything change. Maybe I'll change my mind at some point, when I'm feeling stronger. But right now, that's not the place I'm at.
I don't think there's ever really going to be a right time to get back in touch with him. If I'm to take him at his word, he's happier right now and as much as that sucks to hear, I'm going to have to deal with it. A lot of those closest to me have said he's pushing me away for my own good, so he hurts me less now than he's worried about the possibility of doing in the future. My response to this is usually, how does he know he's going to hurt me in the future? They don't have the answers, but basically they feel he's scared of the 'what if's' and that he'll either come to his senses or die alone as he'll always be too scared of commitment. Nice hey?
Of course I've thought about there being too much time, in the sense of the longer we leave it the harder it will be to repair or sort things. My mum keeps saying I need to leave him be, give him time to miss me. She still thinks he'll come back, she thinks the world of him; but even she must see that the longer this goes on the less likely that is to happen. I'm a fixer by nature, so the advice of 'do nothing' really goes against the grain. I want to fix things, to make it better, but I don't know how and let's be honest, it's unlikely it can be fixed anyway. You can't make someone love you, or want to be with you. Plus if I do keep hold of that sense of hope, it's preventing me moving on. But, how do you get rid of it when it's truly the one thing you wish for each day?
I am worried about him. I could get in touch with his friends or family, but I don't wish to be viewed as the bonkers ex girlfriend. I guess if they ever read my blog, this could actually be their assumption anyway. I worry about him, how he's doing. If whatever was bothering him has gone away now that we're apart. If he's feeling better. If he misses me at all. But I'll never know the answers to this and like I've said, the fear of rejection is just too great right now to risk getting in touch again.
I do feel a little lighter now it's all written down. It was quite a cathartic experience. I still don't understand really why he ended it all. Maybe he did just decide he doesn't love me. It's easier sometimes to believe everyone else's notions of what he may or may not be going through, than to face the reality that the person you love the most in the world, just didn't feel the same way. We all hope for the fairy tale ending don't we. That our Prince Charming will rescue us from a life we don't want to be living. But it's time to face the reality that fairy tales don't exist and I've lost the person I love more than anything. It's time to face the facts, that he's getting on with his life and I'm going to have to do the same. Because this is real life and sometimes it's just shit. It was soul destroying seeing our relationship written like that; it made me realise how much we'd actually lost. I knew, of course I knew, but reading it all back, the realisation hit hard. Look what we've thrown away, through fear, through lack of conversation, through stupid doubts that should never have been there and should never have been allowed to grow when they did appear.
I think it's going to take me a long time to get over what happened. It's been 2 months now, and part of me thinks that's a long time. But for what we had maybe it isn't. It's like a death has happened and I'm grieving for it. For what we had, the love we shared. For all the memories we'd made but also for the plans and future we were looking forward to. I wish more than anything that we could start over, not living together or planning our lives and futures further than a few weeks ahead. But to be present in each others worlds again, to be around one another and just be together. He knows how I feel though, I'm sure of it. I know in my heart we could fix things, I'd follow his path for us and I'd move at his pace; but if i'm the only one of us that want's it to happen, I need to let my dreams die.
I think it may be time to let go of the hope I carry that he may walk through my door again. The more days that pass the less likely it is to happen and I need to stop the near hyperventilation when the door at work opens unexpectedly. The crashing disappointment when it isn't him isn't helping either.
I've never actually had a break up like this before. So I'm really unsure how I start to move forward. I don't cry every day now, just sometimes when there's a reminder of some sort. I'm able to focus better at work and I know that whatever I'm feeling, I've people around me that will do their best to put me back together again. In so many ways, I'm counting my blessings.
If you do have any advice on healing the hole in my heart, I'd be eternally grateful. I'd like it to happen sooner rather than later now please, because I don't want to carry on feeling like I've lost an arm. I know times a great healer, but surly it should be feeling better than this by now? I'm angry in a lot of ways and probably looking for someone other than Mr Right to blame. I try really hard to be a good person, I look after those that need it and try and be kind at all times. I never took him for granted and tried so hard to ensure that he was happy. I don't know why my happiness had to be taken away and quite frankly, I feel like throwing a good old tantrum and screaming it's just not fair!
Because, you know what, it's really not fair at all. Don't worry, I'm not going entirely down the self pity route. I will snap out of this, more than likely the instant I shut the laptop. but, like I've said, I'm all about the honesty and right now that's how I'm feeling. It will pass as will the feeling of being lost will gradually disappear too. I know it will..... I just wish it would hurry up.
I'm hoping tomorrow will bring an epiphany or some new focus for me. But for today, I'm riding out the emotions because I don't really know what else to do. Thank you all once again for your kindness, tomorrow's a new day!
Love CB xx
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