Dear Mr Right

The post I never thought I'd write.
That's because I never thought I'd end up in this position. Single again and nursing a hurting heart.

After my last post it suddenly occurred to me just how much love I do have for my ex, Mr Right. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to bury it or convince myself that I'm fine, it's there in the background each and every day. How much I wish he were here, how much I wish we were getting to spend that day together or that evening. How much I just want to hear his voice or give him a cuddle.

I've thought about writing a post about the break up before, it's only fair that I give you a true account of what happened so that you can possibly understand my actions going forward. If you understand his actions, please let me know, as I'm still so confused. Maybe that's why it's so hard to write about it, as I don't really understand it myself. I was hopeful that given a bit of time I'd be more ready to talk about it, but honestly, I'm not sure that will ever really be the case. It's now or never.

So, I've decided it's best to write him a letter. Not that I plan to send it and it's unlikely he'll ever find or read this blog; but like the short letters in my Dear Heart post, maybe it will help to make sense of everything and give me the closure I so desperately need. There will be tears, mine of course, but here it goes.......

CB   xx

Dear Mr Right,

Where do I start with you?

I have this notion, that we had it so good, you'll come to your senses and we can make another go of it. You braved it out once before, I still carry faith you can do it again. But then of course reality hits. The likelihood of us getting back together is non existent, you won't even talk to me, let alone see me. I just don't know what I did wrong.....

I remember our first date so vividly. You wore a bright red cap because you'd had a hair cut you weren't happy with and still wanted to make a good impression. It was a baking hot day and we went for ice cream. You talked so much your ice cream melted so it dripped onto your trainers. I got sand in my sandals so they rubbed a great blister on my toe. But we laughed. A date that I thought might last an hour or so, we were still chatting and giggling four hours later. You held my hand on the way back to the car and it just felt right, you kissed me goodbye and I didn't want to leave. All the stuff you'd ever hope for of a first date, the stuff fairy tales are made of.

Things moved pretty quickly from then on. We had our second date just two days later and our third two days after that. We didn't really want to be apart from one another and we did what we could to see each other constantly. We had lots in common but also enough differences that made conversations interesting and the laughter flowed easily. I had a need to be around you and I think that showed. If I'd have written a list of everything I'd ever wanted in a partner, you'd have ticked every box. Humour, kindness, generosity, thoughtful, and of course handsome to boot. What more could a girl wish for?

The day I realised you were the one, was the day you left to go on holiday. We'd been dating for about a month and you were off on your summer boys trip. I've never hated an idea more. I've no reason for it other than I'd miss you, but I just didn't want you to go. I was so relieved when you felt the same. I had to go to work that day, but you came with me to spend as much time together as we could. You even drove all the way back to my place when I finished, just so we could spend an extra hour together before you had to leave. Young Love, New Love. We'd not used that word yet but I knew it.
We were apart ten days and with flight delays, a puncture on your car and what seemed like everything going against us, I was worried we wouldn't be reunited. Of course, that was me being dramatic. I'd been counting down the hours. And when you walked through my front door that night I've never honestly been so happy. I don't have the words to express that amount of emotion. You were home and all was right with the world.

Home.... that's what you became for me. I did explain this to you when we were splitting up. A home to me isn't a house, or an apartment. A home is what makes you complete, makes you feel safe. A haven from everything that's going on in the world. You became that to me. You're my home, not walls and furniture. But two arms and a heartbeat.

You managed to change me as a person, but not in a bad way. You mellowed me, made me see that it really doesn't matter if things go wrong, because everything can be fixed. Just not our relationship it seems. I was calm for the first time in years. I was happy to take time off work and enjoy being away. I allowed us to make plans, something I'd never done before, because I was always too scared of them going wrong or getting hurt. But getting hurt never seemed to be an option with you. You held me tight, you allowed me to explain my fears and you put them all to rest. Not just by reassurance, but by your actions. You proved to me you were the one and that I was right to trust you, right to believe in you and right to allow myself to plan our future together. And that's what we did.

That first summer was incredible. We went to new places, making memories all the time. Then one night you told me you loved me. It wasn't an extraordinary day but by doing that, you made it so. You'd been at my house while I was working and it was always a better day knowing you'd be there when I got home. You didn't tell me out right straight away, you'd written it along with my nickname on a mini chalk board I kept in the kitchen. I've still got it, tucked away in the memory box. I spotted it and my heart nearly burst. That's how I felt, but I'd been too scared to tell you. Memories like that are so vivid to me and now they hurt so much as everything has disappeared. But in that moment you truly made me the happiest I'd ever been. I never knew I'd been waiting for someone. But you were it, you completed me and made me whole.

It wasn't long before we started making serious plans. Living together was the top one. We decided to start saving and then we could look for a house together. Then one day we went off to have a look at some houses. This was done on impulse, like so many things with us are. Before the day was out, we'd pretty much decided where we were living and the sort of house we wanted. It didn't take very long, maybe a week for these plans to start to take some real action as we decided to move in together to save some extra cash. We were practically living together anyway, it made sense. So, that's what we did. Less than a month later, I'd packed up my life, thrown masses of it away and moved in with you to start our happily ever after.

Marriage was discussed, as was children. It wasn't long ago, we even practically set a date. You made me look in jewellers windows and pick out the rings I liked. We planned how we wanted the house, we planned how we wanted life to go. We discussed our dreams for ourselves, the things we wanted to achieve and the things we hoped for our future together. You're the first person I've met that didn't mind my working hours. You believed in me and were proud of me. Of course, I think, well I hope you knew, that you'd always come first. From the moment we started making our plans, you were my main priority. You were the thing in my life that mattered most. I wanted you to be happy, I'd do anything to give you that happiness, because it mattered. You mattered to me, before anything or anyone else. I hope you know that.  Never once did I ever think this would fall apart.

In fact nobody thought it would.

Last Christmas was magical. We spent time with our families and friends. Sharing our love with everyone. We were happy. Christmas can be a tough time for me sometimes. Surrounded by people, but still feeling the loneliness; but by having that one person who was solely yours and you were there just for them. That meant I wasn't lonely anymore. We took 2 trips to Edinburgh that year, because we both booked the same trip as gifts for each other. It was great to spend so much time just the two of us and making memories that will last forever. They hurt right now, but I'm hoping in time I'll be able to look back with fondness. We spent new year together with my family, but as midnight hit, I knew that we were heading for a fantastic year. One that would grant us everything that we'd hoped for. There was so much excitement and things to look forward to, we had it all and I was so just so happy.

After Christmas, the work really began, as we really started saving. I'm not sure if this is where the pressure hit, but I remember saying to my friend around March that I felt like I was spinning plates and I was waiting for at least one to come crashing down. Not once did I ever think that the plate that was destined to crash to the floor would be the one holding our relationship. We were a team, I thought we could survive anything. 

We'd both been working hard, I'd taken on extra hours, to ensure we had the money for the deposit; you'd been getting stressed with sorting the paperwork and everything else that comes with organising a mortgage. But I had no doubts that we were doing the right thing. It was tough and it was stressful, but we were doing it together and it felt right. Just not to you.

I'm not sure when your doubts truly began, you said it was only a few days, but after thinking it through, I think deep down it must have been longer. Nobody can throw away what we had, if you haven't taken time to process it all. You'd been snappy with me at the weekend but on Sunday I came home to dinner and an apology. We'd both been tired, so of course it didn't matter. I went to bed that night feeling like all was right with the world. Not knowing that in just a few days, you'd be blowing my world apart.........