This is supposed to be my moving forward post, the one I tell you how I'm forwarding thinking and planning my future without Mr Right. That's what Mrs Editor has said anyway, it's supposed to wrap it all up in a pretty bow and bring an end to my tales of heartbreak.
The thing is, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not sure how to let it all go and admit that it's over for good, mainly, as I've said numerous times, I just don't want it to be. But whether I'm ready or not, it's got to be done right? He's not coming back, there's nothing new to say on the subject and frankly I must be boring everyone around me, not just myself.
So, here's the plan; I'm taking time to heal, I'm taking some time out to find myself again and, sorry to disappoint anyone looking forward to the dating stories, but that's all been put on hold for the time being too. I'm just not ready and as stupid and nonsensical as it sounds, I still feel guilty about it. Even the thought of talking to another man in that sense fills me with dread right now, so I know deep down it's just too soon. I guess I'll know when the right time is at some point.
So, the time has come to do some packing, of the metaphorical type. There's no real need for boxes and bubble wrap here. It's time to put away all the emotions I've got for Mr Right and bury them deep.
When we were together, we kept a memory box, of ticket stubs, cinema tickets and leaflets or receipts of places we'd been. When I moved out I took the box with me as I couldn't bear the thought of him putting it all in the bin. I took a last look through it this morning, then as the tears settled, I put it in the loft. I'm not ready to bin it and I hope one day I'm able to come across it and smile at the memories of what we had. But for now, having it around just stops me healing, so, it's out of sight and hopefully eventually, out of mind too.
My mum has a great saying, for the things we're powerless to change, she'll always tell you to put it in the Bugger It Box. Basically for anything that we might be dwelling over, for the things that are bugging us, or upsetting us, but we have no ability to fix or make better. Stick it in the Bugger It Box and move on.
What's difficult about doing this is all the unanswered questions I've got, but I've slowly come to terms with the fact that I'll never find out what I'm hoping to. So, they can be wrapped in old newspaper and put in the box. Alongside them, are the photos I have on my phone. Now, I'm not ready to delete the ones of the 2 of us together, however, there will come a time for them. But right now, it's time to get rid of the photos of our dream house. We spent months tripping around every show home in the area and taking photos of everything we loved. Making plans for how we hoped our home together would look, the things we wanted, the photo's we wanted on the walls and what couches we were going to have. It's time to take a deep breath and hit delete on the album of pictures and wrap up those hopeful memories and place them in the box too. It's with great sadness, but it just wasn't meant to be.
Next to be deleted and packed up is the Lists. I don't know if everyone has these stored somewhere, or it was just us; but we made lists of all sorts, in the notes section of our phones.
Places we needed to visit, or wanted to see, or simply of places to go for lunch when you're short of ideas. Not exactly a bucket list, but one that's helpful when you're being indecisive or just don't know where you want to eat or how to spend the next free day you have together.
I actually think these lists would probably come in handy when I'm deciding what to do with my days off, but these are places we'd hoped to visit together. I always adored our trips away, Mr Right was a born teacher and I loved listening to him tell me stories of the places we'd seen and their history. He was passionate about things and it showed when he talked. But to see these places without him, just doesn't feel right. In time I'll make my own lists, but for now, ours are deleted and the plans are placed in that big box and put away.
The last two things I need to wrap up are the two largest and biggest. The Hurt and the Hope. Carrying around hurt, in the end, just makes you resentful and bitter. These are character traits I have no wish to have and I'm not intending to become the sort of person who can't be happy for others or is jealous of friends relationships as mine didn't work out. That's not me and that's not who I want to become. Mr Right has obviously caused me hurt, but if I continue to carry it around I'm the one prolonging it, so in a sense, I'm hurting myself aren't I? I love him so much, and with love comes the ability to forgive. I may not understand why he chose to throw it all away, but he's obviously going through something that has put him in that position. He doesn't want me around and doesn't want to speak to me. So I've got to let it go and forgive him. He's not really the sort of person that would intentionally hurt someone. I'd have never fallen for him if he was. So his actions are there to either protect himself or me from him. I don't really know and I'll never find out, but I'm not allowing it it hurt me any longer. I'll remember him as the kind soul with the warm heart that I knew. The person who made my tummy flip and caused me butterflies. The one that I fell in love with. The hurt can be put in the box to disintegrate over time.
But how do you get rid of Hope?
Hope signifies everything you wish for, everything you plan for, everything you say a prayer for. The thing you cling to when you're having a bad day. I carry it deep inside because it holds everything I truly want right now. You all know I'd have him back in a heartbeat. Everyone knows, even he does I'm sure. But it's not going to happen. I'm learning to accept that. He's got to want to be with me and that's not where he is right now. So, the hope has to be buried, deep in the bottom of that box where it can't get out. It's the epitome of what belongs in the bugger it box, because it really is the thing I can't change even though I'd want to. I can't fix it, I can make it better. I just don't know how to let my hope die. Because I don't really want it too. That means I have to stop believing in Mr Right, I have to stop loving him and wishing for him and forget about him. It's time, I know I have to. But how? Putting hope into that box really does signify the end of us. The last dreams of reconciliation and our future that we planned. It's all got to go, how sad is that? I'm not sure I'm ready to stop believing in him, maybe that's what the healing process will do. Over time, I'll let my belief in him float away. We don't have a crystal ball that's going to tell us our future or a guide that's going to show us the way.
I'm OK packing up all the physical stuff and most of the emotional stuff too. Writing this today has actually helped and I do feel like I've made a massive step forward. Like I've cried my last tears over things that we'd hoped for and some of our memories. I know I've forgiven him too.
But to box up my hope, just doesn't feel right like now. I think actually, it takes away part of who I am. I strive to be a good person and I always try to look for the best in people. This might make me a bit of a mug, but I'd sooner that, than be someone cold and calculating.
I've come to the conclusion that holding on to a little hope shouldn't prevent me from moving forward or healing. I think actually that it makes me true to myself and stops me viewing the future with coldness and doubt. I never believed I'd meet someone like Mr Right but I Hoped that I would and I'm Hoping that in time I'm lucky enough to meet someone as incredible as him again. Hope isn't a bad thing as long as we all stay realistic. I don't have my head in the clouds. I know where we are and that I've got to work on me and heal myself. I'm packing up the thoughts of him and the wondering about what he's up to. But the hope, the hope I'm holding onto. Just for a little while longer. It allows me to trust that I'm making the right decisions, that I was right to believe in him. It stops me doubting myself. It's what makes me feel like me, it's a part of who I am and I'm not ready to say goodbye to that just yet.
Today's Quote: 'When the world says 'Give Up,' Hope whispers, 'Give it one more try.'
Love CB xx
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