Thursday, 27 September 2018
I was born in the 80's raised in the 90's and did all the stuff I was supposed to in the 00's.
I'm part of the strong woman, girl power generation. The girls that looked after one another and supported each other's goals and dreams. Who stood by one another & had each other's backs.
So, today I'm asking this question.... when did it become ok to tear one another apart?? Or worse, support a fellow female in public but rip her to shreds in private or over social media?
I'm wondering if it's in certain walks of life, or if it's just in business this happens, but I seem to be aware of it more & more recently. I read time and time again about women looking out for one another & us all having a #GirlSquad but then I only need to wait a short time before the bitching and the back biting starts.
I recently attended an all woman networking event. Now, this in itself put me out of my comfort zone, but I've never felt more uncomfortable in any situation. The event was supposed to support women in business & for the most part it did, however the whole thing seemed massively forced and completely fake. I caught ladies bigging up the other business owners, then when their backs were turned, gossiping about them. There were personal comments and remarks about their private lives. God knows what they had to say about me.
It upsets me, because we've forght to have our voices heard, to be viewed as equals and yet when a woman becomes successful, it seems that instead of being able to congratulate her, certain women are trying to find fault. Pointing out her flaws won't make you more successful. When will they learn, they just sound bitter?
The upside to this, it that in my new blogging world, I've found some really lovely genuine women. Those that if it was possible, I'd love to have in my girl possey! I've had messages that wish me well, those offering advice and those that just want to share their stories with me. These wonderful women fill me with hope and set the example of the type of females we need. If only there were a few more.
In my real world industry, women have to fight seriously hard to get the recognition that they deserve; but what I find hard to deal with is that those women who have made it, instead of giving others a leg up, insist on making it just as hard if not harder for those coming up the ranks. I'm assuming their logik is that they had to fight for it, why should anyone else get it any easier? But I find this hard to stomach. Surly we should be offering advice and guidance to the newcomers? Showing them different paths and encouraging new ideas?
Which is why, this week I employed my newest member of staff. Young & green in a sense, but excited & enthusiastic. She reminds me of myself 10 years ago. But I feel I need to protect her and give her the map of experience.
I think the hardest thing to accept is the fakeness I've experienced. I stand by the saying if you've not got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. But maybe this needs to be updated to, if your nice thing isn't honest and true and if it doesn't reflect your true feelings, keep it shut too!
I may be ranting a little here, but it's truly griped me.... what are your feelings on the subject ladies?? Am I blowing this all out of proportion or is true Girl Power dying?
Today's Quote: ' Fix another Queen's crown without telling the world it was crooked.'
Love CB xx
Sunday, 9 September 2018
I've been a little quiet on the blog lately, not for any other reason than my real world life has taken over a little.
The blogging world still feels so new to me, and unfortunately it's had to take a little bit of a back seat while I juggle everything else.
But I thought I'd give you a little up date of what's been going on while I've done my disappearing act.....
I've been so shocked at how quickly the time has gone. Summer is officially over. I remember writing about how nervous I was about spending the summer alone after my break up. But now, it's been and gone and it's happened so quickly.
I've worked some mad hours over the summer & its really done me good. It's been a great distraction & its allowed me to evaluate the things I want from my real world career. I've also been offered some truly amazing opportunities, which if I was still with my ex, I'm not sure if I'd even have considered them. I was just so comfortable in my relationship with him, that I didn't ever want to be away from that bubble. But now, being single again, there's no reason not to snatch up these things. I'm excited about what's to come in my professional life, but unfortunately it does mean that I'll be a little inconsistent with the blog, but I hope you'll all still dip in & out with me.
So, while work is certainly keeping me on my toes, my personal life is enjoying the calm. I'm fine. It's funny isn't it how we all deal with our emotions. I had an unusual experience, which I will tell you about in a future post, but this almost helped me to heal. I woke up one morning afterwards and my heart didn't hurt like it had been doing. Don't get me wrong, I still have the odd blip, but I'm doing ok.
I've also been chatted up & asked out on dates. I'm considering my options lol. But it's been great for my low self esteem to know that there's people out there that find me attractive & that when I'm ready, I can date again.
So, my little update is basically to tell you all that I've not disappeared, I'm still here & love keeping up to date with you all over on social media & seeing your lives develop too. And I'm happy to announce, for those that have wondered, that I'm ok. Better than ok actually & I thank you for all the messages that I've received where you've been checking in. It means a lot.
This normal girl is doing good, and I'm ready to start the next chapter..... I hope you can join me.
Today's Quote: 'Only look back to see how far you've come.'
Much love, CB xx
Tuesday, 21 August 2018
Before I start this post, I've just got to say, that in terms of self care, I'm certainly no expert. It's taken all of my thirty something years to even learn to like myself and take a little of the pressure off. I still like to think I'm superwoman and can cope, even when the world is saying to slow down. But over the last couple of years, I've managed to put a few things in place that just make dealing with life a little easier. These are the things that I find work for me, have a little read and they might just come in handy for you too.....
A few years ago, I hit rock bottom, something I'm not exactly proud to admit, but something I am proud that I managed to pull through from and I survived. I am also proud that this part of my life taught me some very valuable lessons and I learnt to put coping mechanisms in place that mean I never have to visit that dark place again.
A very brief run down; I was coming out of a very toxic relationship, having also lost a baby. I was running my business and was new to doing so and I felt that I had the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I was trying to be everything to everyone, trying hard to be perfect in every aspect of life and basically not knowing my arse from my elbow.
It took me a few months, but eventually one day, right in the middle of a meeting, I lost the plot. I got up, walked out and had someone cancel the rest of my day. I couldn't have told you in that moment what was wrong, but something deep inside me broke and I had absolutely no clue how to fix it, I just knew that if I didn't do something, I wouldn't be waking up the next day.
Now, what I do have to tell you is that the process I went through to become myself, actually took nearly 3 years and to this day, I still have times when I haven't got a clue about anything at all. But I have learned that It's OK to be in this postilion and that things usually have a funny way of working themselves out.
So, here it is, my guide to looking after you, to self care or whatever the technical, fashionable term we're using for it is right now... basically I'm going with, how not to lose the plot in this bonkers world..... by me, a normal girl. These are the things I've learned.
Talk to someone and be Honest
The day I lost my shit, was the day I decided to help myself. I phoned a doctor, well, I spoke to a receptionist, and explained surprisingly calmly, that I didn't exactly know what was wrong, but I possibly needed to see someone. Unfortunately, and perhaps it speaks volumes of how our NHS was at the time, the receptionist could only offer me an appointment three weeks later. I never actually took that appointment as it was practical help that I needed and I needed it now. So I took to google and found a therapist. I'm not actually sure that's the right term, maybe personal coach, maybe guardian angel. Either way, I found the courage from somewhere to call the number listed and the woman at the end of the phone, just listened, made me an appointment for 2 days time and told me we'd get everything sorted. And she did. She fixed what she could immediately, then worked through each one of my issues until I became self aware and realised the world wasn't out to get me.
This is something I truly believed saved my life and something that even now, I go back to when times are tough. You need to be able to talk about whats in your head, even the things you know might sound completely bonkers to someone else, but to you they matter. I'm so fortunate to have great supportive friends, who I know I can trust with everything, but a few years ago, I didn't really know this. I was too busy trying to be miss perfect to believe that the people I loved would still love me if I messed up.... The lesson in this, is of course, if they love you, they will love your flaws too. So, until I'd learned that lesson, I took professional help and it's the best thing I could have done for ME and I'm what mattered.
Listen to your body
A big thing for me is to exercise, it really does clear my head. I love to swim and I run, take zumba classes and pretty much put myself through all manner of things to ensure I release enough endorphins to keep me upbeat and functioning. Exercise also keeps my weight at bay and of course, if I'm feeling better in my skinny jeans, all will be right with the world. I'm not a gym enthusiast or a personal trainer, so I can't advise you on what's best to tone your upper arms or shape your bum into the Kardashian round shape that seems so popular right now. I can, however, say that moving and making your body active will release a lot of pressure for you and of course tire you out.
This leads me to the next point of the body care bit, by telling you to sleep.
I'm an actual cow if I'm tired. There's no getting round it, I need my sleep like I need my make up bag. It's essential to my health and well being. Lack of sleep makes us function less and makes decision making pretty much impossible. At my very worst I was surviving on as little as three hours broken sleep each night. I was horrible to be around and an awful person in general. Once in therapy I learned to calm myself enough and tire myself enough, that I gradually built more hours of real sleep into my night; I do however, still sleep with the TV on, as it's a good distraction from my over active brain.
The next thing I'm going to tell you, basically dismisses the first thing, which is don't exercise. I know this sounds stupid after telling you all the benefits, but some days, you're just going to need to go home, put your pj's on and eat pizza. I had one of these days recently, and I knew that although I wasn't burning off the calories, I was doing what my body required of me. I didn't have enough energy that day and I needed to calm my emotional state. I took a bath, I read a book and I ordered take out food. I went to bed early and woke up, not quite a new woman, but one that was more in control than the one that had arrived home the previous evening. You've got to do what's right for you. Allow yourself the evening of comfort, but remember, the next day to get up and bounce back, because it is all too easy to become anti social and too comfortable in your own space.
Now, I'm not saying hop on a plane to the first hot country you can think of, or maybe I am? If that's what's going to do you some good. Maybe escape was the wrong word for this part, but I'm too lazy to change it now. My escape is as simple as going back to my own house. Notice, I never call it home, as it's not right now. But I do need my own space, which is why I realised I couldn't live with my parents when my relationship with Mr Right went down the pan. You need a place to be yourself, a place you can sit in silence or listen to music. A happy place. If I need to be outside, I'll hit the nearest beach. That's a happy place for me. Or a good long walk somewhere green. I still need to book my holiday this year, an escape from the stresses of work and the pressure I still put on myself, but a simple bath without a disruption or phone to hand works wonders for my mental and physical health too.
It's OK to say No... & Yes
Learning to say No was a huge lesson for me, as for a lot of my life I've felt obligated to do things and attend events that I knew I didn't want to or that I wouldn't enjoy. Sometimes, even doing family stuff can be overwhelming and you need to step away for a while. It's so difficult because we feel the need to explain ourselves and because we're all so PC and don't wish to upset anyone, we go along with things we don't want to. We feel like we should be giving excuses why we can't go to things, on that night out, or visit that person, when deep down, knowing yourself enough to Know it's not for you should be reason enough. I've given up explaining myself and I no longer give reasons for not doing things. If I can't do something I just say 'no thanks'. It really is that simple. Most people will be so surprised by the directness of the answer, they won't question why anyway!
Saying Yes, is sometimes actually harder than saying no, especially if what you're saying yes to is out of your comfort zone. I'm not contradicting myself here either, say no to the things you don't want to do, but Always say yes to the stuff you want to do, even if you've never done it before. Indoor skydiving-yes please! 25 shots-no thanks! I'm a firm believer in keeping yourself challenged in life too, I don't like to get too comfortable in my career, but in my private life I like a bit of calm.
Deciding what you want and what will make you happy, even for a short time, will be great for your personal care. It will help you to live the life you want, rather than the one you feel is expected of you and fundamentally, you'll be a lot happier day to day if you're looking forward to what's in your diary and not just dreading it.
Realise when all of the above isn't enough.....
Sometimes we just need a bit more help. Now, the help I normally need is talking therapy and obviously, I write to clear my thoughts too. But for the last 8 months or so I haven't been feeling right. I put it down to stress at work and the extra hours I'd been doing; and the little matter of saving for the new house with the ex. I do now, looking back, wonder if my change in mental state contributed to my break up, but then I'll never know, so let's not dwell.
So, months later, I'm now dealing with my break up, I'm so busy at work and it's getting busier, plus I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed each day at the moment. I can cry at the drop of a hat and I can't make a decision to save my life, so as much as I'm pained to admit it, I'm back struggling. Not as much as I was all those years ago, but enough to know I don't want it to get any worse. So, after trying to fix myself for the last few weeks, and realising that I could actually do with a bit of help, I've booked an appointment to see my GP. Yes, I have to wait and the likelihood is I'll end up medicated at the end of it; but it's OK. I cried booking the appointment, because somewhere deep down I felt like I'd failed at life, but I've resounded myself to the fact that I need something to help. Something extra to put me back on the right path and before I get to the stage where the bottom of that rock is visible again. I'm no longer ashamed about this and I no longer feel guilty that I'm not superwoman and I can't cope. I need the help and today I've been brave enough to ask for it. If you need it too, don't feel bad about it, or feel like you've failed. You're actually doing yourself a massive favour and its OK. Actually, it's better than OK, it's bloody marvellous, because you're being brave enough to put yourself first. If you broke your leg, you'd ask for help, well, my brain and my emotions are a bit broken right now, so I'm asking for someone to help me fix them and because I matter and my health and well being matters, that's OK.
Today's Quote: 'You can't pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.'
Love CB xx
Thursday, 16 August 2018
This is supposed to be my moving forward post, the one I tell you how I'm forwarding thinking and planning my future without Mr Right. That's what Mrs Editor has said anyway, it's supposed to wrap it all up in a pretty bow and bring an end to my tales of heartbreak.
The thing is, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not sure how to let it all go and admit that it's over for good, mainly, as I've said numerous times, I just don't want it to be. But whether I'm ready or not, it's got to be done right? He's not coming back, there's nothing new to say on the subject and frankly I must be boring everyone around me, not just myself.
So, here's the plan; I'm taking time to heal, I'm taking some time out to find myself again and, sorry to disappoint anyone looking forward to the dating stories, but that's all been put on hold for the time being too. I'm just not ready and as stupid and nonsensical as it sounds, I still feel guilty about it. Even the thought of talking to another man in that sense fills me with dread right now, so I know deep down it's just too soon. I guess I'll know when the right time is at some point.
So, the time has come to do some packing, of the metaphorical type. There's no real need for boxes and bubble wrap here. It's time to put away all the emotions I've got for Mr Right and bury them deep.
When we were together, we kept a memory box, of ticket stubs, cinema tickets and leaflets or receipts of places we'd been. When I moved out I took the box with me as I couldn't bear the thought of him putting it all in the bin. I took a last look through it this morning, then as the tears settled, I put it in the loft. I'm not ready to bin it and I hope one day I'm able to come across it and smile at the memories of what we had. But for now, having it around just stops me healing, so, it's out of sight and hopefully eventually, out of mind too.
My mum has a great saying, for the things we're powerless to change, she'll always tell you to put it in the Bugger It Box. Basically for anything that we might be dwelling over, for the things that are bugging us, or upsetting us, but we have no ability to fix or make better. Stick it in the Bugger It Box and move on.
What's difficult about doing this is all the unanswered questions I've got, but I've slowly come to terms with the fact that I'll never find out what I'm hoping to. So, they can be wrapped in old newspaper and put in the box. Alongside them, are the photos I have on my phone. Now, I'm not ready to delete the ones of the 2 of us together, however, there will come a time for them. But right now, it's time to get rid of the photos of our dream house. We spent months tripping around every show home in the area and taking photos of everything we loved. Making plans for how we hoped our home together would look, the things we wanted, the photo's we wanted on the walls and what couches we were going to have. It's time to take a deep breath and hit delete on the album of pictures and wrap up those hopeful memories and place them in the box too. It's with great sadness, but it just wasn't meant to be.
Next to be deleted and packed up is the Lists. I don't know if everyone has these stored somewhere, or it was just us; but we made lists of all sorts, in the notes section of our phones.
Places we needed to visit, or wanted to see, or simply of places to go for lunch when you're short of ideas. Not exactly a bucket list, but one that's helpful when you're being indecisive or just don't know where you want to eat or how to spend the next free day you have together.
I actually think these lists would probably come in handy when I'm deciding what to do with my days off, but these are places we'd hoped to visit together. I always adored our trips away, Mr Right was a born teacher and I loved listening to him tell me stories of the places we'd seen and their history. He was passionate about things and it showed when he talked. But to see these places without him, just doesn't feel right. In time I'll make my own lists, but for now, ours are deleted and the plans are placed in that big box and put away.
The last two things I need to wrap up are the two largest and biggest. The Hurt and the Hope. Carrying around hurt, in the end, just makes you resentful and bitter. These are character traits I have no wish to have and I'm not intending to become the sort of person who can't be happy for others or is jealous of friends relationships as mine didn't work out. That's not me and that's not who I want to become. Mr Right has obviously caused me hurt, but if I continue to carry it around I'm the one prolonging it, so in a sense, I'm hurting myself aren't I? I love him so much, and with love comes the ability to forgive. I may not understand why he chose to throw it all away, but he's obviously going through something that has put him in that position. He doesn't want me around and doesn't want to speak to me. So I've got to let it go and forgive him. He's not really the sort of person that would intentionally hurt someone. I'd have never fallen for him if he was. So his actions are there to either protect himself or me from him. I don't really know and I'll never find out, but I'm not allowing it it hurt me any longer. I'll remember him as the kind soul with the warm heart that I knew. The person who made my tummy flip and caused me butterflies. The one that I fell in love with. The hurt can be put in the box to disintegrate over time.
But how do you get rid of Hope?
Hope signifies everything you wish for, everything you plan for, everything you say a prayer for. The thing you cling to when you're having a bad day. I carry it deep inside because it holds everything I truly want right now. You all know I'd have him back in a heartbeat. Everyone knows, even he does I'm sure. But it's not going to happen. I'm learning to accept that. He's got to want to be with me and that's not where he is right now. So, the hope has to be buried, deep in the bottom of that box where it can't get out. It's the epitome of what belongs in the bugger it box, because it really is the thing I can't change even though I'd want to. I can't fix it, I can make it better. I just don't know how to let my hope die. Because I don't really want it too. That means I have to stop believing in Mr Right, I have to stop loving him and wishing for him and forget about him. It's time, I know I have to. But how? Putting hope into that box really does signify the end of us. The last dreams of reconciliation and our future that we planned. It's all got to go, how sad is that? I'm not sure I'm ready to stop believing in him, maybe that's what the healing process will do. Over time, I'll let my belief in him float away. We don't have a crystal ball that's going to tell us our future or a guide that's going to show us the way.
I'm OK packing up all the physical stuff and most of the emotional stuff too. Writing this today has actually helped and I do feel like I've made a massive step forward. Like I've cried my last tears over things that we'd hoped for and some of our memories. I know I've forgiven him too.
But to box up my hope, just doesn't feel right like now. I think actually, it takes away part of who I am. I strive to be a good person and I always try to look for the best in people. This might make me a bit of a mug, but I'd sooner that, than be someone cold and calculating.
I've come to the conclusion that holding on to a little hope shouldn't prevent me from moving forward or healing. I think actually that it makes me true to myself and stops me viewing the future with coldness and doubt. I never believed I'd meet someone like Mr Right but I Hoped that I would and I'm Hoping that in time I'm lucky enough to meet someone as incredible as him again. Hope isn't a bad thing as long as we all stay realistic. I don't have my head in the clouds. I know where we are and that I've got to work on me and heal myself. I'm packing up the thoughts of him and the wondering about what he's up to. But the hope, the hope I'm holding onto. Just for a little while longer. It allows me to trust that I'm making the right decisions, that I was right to believe in him. It stops me doubting myself. It's what makes me feel like me, it's a part of who I am and I'm not ready to say goodbye to that just yet.
Today's Quote: 'When the world says 'Give Up,' Hope whispers, 'Give it one more try.'
Love CB xx
Sunday, 12 August 2018
So now you know what happened with my break up, you might be wondering what all the fuss is about. It was hardly the break up of dramatic proportions was it. It wouldn't make a great story line in a soap. But the fact is, it happened and it matters to me. I think it was because of how quickly it all ended and how out of the blue it was. I was in shock for the first few weeks. I knew it was hurting but I couldn't understand it. I still don't really, without being able to read Mr Right's mind I don't think I'll ever really get the answers to the thousands of questions I've still got.
I want to thank you all for the lovely messages I've received since that last post. I certainly wasn't expecting so many people to get in touch. It's been so nice to hear that I'm not alone in my break up woes. I must admit, reading all your comments, as positive as they were left me with mixed emotions; I'm grateful that you all got in touch with positive comments and advice, but it also was a constant reminder of what was lost. Writing about it all and reading it back, then it being published for everyone to read left me rather emotional and feeling quite exposed and raw. I wasn't really sure writing about my relationship was the right thing to do, but it's what I'm going through and my way of processing it all. It's heart-warming that you were all so touched by my story. I've had a lot of encouragement from you lovely readers and some of you have even been pushing me to send the post as a letter to him. I'm not sure I've the strength for that. I can see him now, in his grey sweat pants, bare chested; sat in his Sherlock chair reading. But if my letters were sent to him, I don't think he'd read them. I don't think right now he cares. I'm sure it won't make anything change. Maybe I'll change my mind at some point, when I'm feeling stronger. But right now, that's not the place I'm at.
I don't think there's ever really going to be a right time to get back in touch with him. If I'm to take him at his word, he's happier right now and as much as that sucks to hear, I'm going to have to deal with it. A lot of those closest to me have said he's pushing me away for my own good, so he hurts me less now than he's worried about the possibility of doing in the future. My response to this is usually, how does he know he's going to hurt me in the future? They don't have the answers, but basically they feel he's scared of the 'what if's' and that he'll either come to his senses or die alone as he'll always be too scared of commitment. Nice hey?
Of course I've thought about there being too much time, in the sense of the longer we leave it the harder it will be to repair or sort things. My mum keeps saying I need to leave him be, give him time to miss me. She still thinks he'll come back, she thinks the world of him; but even she must see that the longer this goes on the less likely that is to happen. I'm a fixer by nature, so the advice of 'do nothing' really goes against the grain. I want to fix things, to make it better, but I don't know how and let's be honest, it's unlikely it can be fixed anyway. You can't make someone love you, or want to be with you. Plus if I do keep hold of that sense of hope, it's preventing me moving on. But, how do you get rid of it when it's truly the one thing you wish for each day?
I am worried about him. I could get in touch with his friends or family, but I don't wish to be viewed as the bonkers ex girlfriend. I guess if they ever read my blog, this could actually be their assumption anyway. I worry about him, how he's doing. If whatever was bothering him has gone away now that we're apart. If he's feeling better. If he misses me at all. But I'll never know the answers to this and like I've said, the fear of rejection is just too great right now to risk getting in touch again.
I do feel a little lighter now it's all written down. It was quite a cathartic experience. I still don't understand really why he ended it all. Maybe he did just decide he doesn't love me. It's easier sometimes to believe everyone else's notions of what he may or may not be going through, than to face the reality that the person you love the most in the world, just didn't feel the same way. We all hope for the fairy tale ending don't we. That our Prince Charming will rescue us from a life we don't want to be living. But it's time to face the reality that fairy tales don't exist and I've lost the person I love more than anything. It's time to face the facts, that he's getting on with his life and I'm going to have to do the same. Because this is real life and sometimes it's just shit. It was soul destroying seeing our relationship written like that; it made me realise how much we'd actually lost. I knew, of course I knew, but reading it all back, the realisation hit hard. Look what we've thrown away, through fear, through lack of conversation, through stupid doubts that should never have been there and should never have been allowed to grow when they did appear.
I think it's going to take me a long time to get over what happened. It's been 2 months now, and part of me thinks that's a long time. But for what we had maybe it isn't. It's like a death has happened and I'm grieving for it. For what we had, the love we shared. For all the memories we'd made but also for the plans and future we were looking forward to. I wish more than anything that we could start over, not living together or planning our lives and futures further than a few weeks ahead. But to be present in each others worlds again, to be around one another and just be together. He knows how I feel though, I'm sure of it. I know in my heart we could fix things, I'd follow his path for us and I'd move at his pace; but if i'm the only one of us that want's it to happen, I need to let my dreams die.
I think it may be time to let go of the hope I carry that he may walk through my door again. The more days that pass the less likely it is to happen and I need to stop the near hyperventilation when the door at work opens unexpectedly. The crashing disappointment when it isn't him isn't helping either.
I've never actually had a break up like this before. So I'm really unsure how I start to move forward. I don't cry every day now, just sometimes when there's a reminder of some sort. I'm able to focus better at work and I know that whatever I'm feeling, I've people around me that will do their best to put me back together again. In so many ways, I'm counting my blessings.
If you do have any advice on healing the hole in my heart, I'd be eternally grateful. I'd like it to happen sooner rather than later now please, because I don't want to carry on feeling like I've lost an arm. I know times a great healer, but surly it should be feeling better than this by now? I'm angry in a lot of ways and probably looking for someone other than Mr Right to blame. I try really hard to be a good person, I look after those that need it and try and be kind at all times. I never took him for granted and tried so hard to ensure that he was happy. I don't know why my happiness had to be taken away and quite frankly, I feel like throwing a good old tantrum and screaming it's just not fair!
Because, you know what, it's really not fair at all. Don't worry, I'm not going entirely down the self pity route. I will snap out of this, more than likely the instant I shut the laptop. but, like I've said, I'm all about the honesty and right now that's how I'm feeling. It will pass as will the feeling of being lost will gradually disappear too. I know it will..... I just wish it would hurry up.
I'm hoping tomorrow will bring an epiphany or some new focus for me. But for today, I'm riding out the emotions because I don't really know what else to do. Thank you all once again for your kindness, tomorrow's a new day!
Love CB xx
Wednesday, 8 August 2018
I'm so sorry for stopping my last post when I did. It wasn't my intention to leave it on a cliff hanger, but I don't think I prepared myself for how overwhelming I'd find writing about the break up. I had a bit of a melt down and a damn good cry. So, I took a step away from it for a few days and calmed myself down. I'm the sort of person to always finish what I start, so here's the rest of the story. I still don't really understand why it had to happen, but let's see if we can't get through explaining what went on, to see if some of it can finally make sense. It will probably be an epic read, but this is how it happened, these are my thoughts and feelings.... this is my final letter to Mr Right.
love CB xx
You'd been working so hard over the last few weeks and you'd already warned me that the week ahead was going to be stressful, so when I returned home late on the Monday night to you in a bit of a daze, I wasn't really surprised. You were really quiet, but still looked like yourself. To be honest, I was a little preoccupied as I had a busy week ahead too and the following day was a big one for me at work. So we were both up early the next day and although a little quiet again that morning, I didn't think too much about it. I did think about it when I got home that night and once again you were staring at the tv. I'd had the biggest day of my career and you never once asked about it. You were like a zombie, just staring into the distance. I remember asking you what the matter was, if you were OK, but you just said you were tired and that you needed a good night's sleep, so we went to bed. I don't really remember the Wednesday night, I'd been super stressed at work and just needed a cuddle and sleep. You were a little chattier but it was late. The following morning, you rushed out, barely having time to kiss me goodbye. I knew then that there was a problem. I saw my mum that evening and told her that I was a bit worried about you, so I resolved myself to having a chat with you when I arrived back. I wish I hadn't now, I wish I hadn't pushed, as a part of me died that night when you said that you were having doubts about us. You'd been on the phone to someone when I walked in, I'm still not sure who that was, but you jumped up. We should have talked longer that night, but the shock of it all frightened me. I called my mum and she said to go back to her house and I did. I'm so sorry for leaving that night, but I told you I'd return the following day. Obviously, you won't know what happened next in my world, and I have no idea what happened in yours. I did see you at the window as I drove away and all I could think of was that I wanted you to stop me leaving, but you didn't.
I arrived back at my parents' house, to both my mum and dad looking as shocked as I felt, we talked about what had happened and my mum, who still to this day has faith in you, said to give you time to think things through.
I returned to our home the following day and don't remember much about the conversation apart from asking you not to throw away what we had. We'd never argued, even the previous night, and I genuinely thought that we could get through whatever doubts you were having. But unfortunately, you didn't. I cried heavy and heartfelt as I packed a box of my things and you helped me put it into the car. We said our goodbyes and I honestly thought that was the last time I'd see you.
I had a busy weekend ahead, it was the royal wedding which we were holding events at work for and there was also a big charity event on the Sunday that you should have been attending with me. The weekend passed in a bit of a blur. I didn't tell anyone what had happened, so fibbed when people asked where you were. I'd told them you'd gone back to your parents for family stuff. As I arrived back to my parents that night, I made the decision that I better tell my closest friends what had happened. I had found it so hard to keep a face in place that day and I wasn't comfortable lying to them; so I sent a brief text and cried again at the responses. Everyone was so shocked as nobody had seen it coming.... tell me about it! You did text me on the Sunday night, just as I'd sent my text out, hoping the event had gone well. I said it had and thanked you for remembering. I kept checking my phone for a reply right through the night, but none came. The next morning passed in a daze, but I needed to get to work and face the day. Which is what I did, and what I have been doing ever since.
A text from you came that afternoon, but I had no idea how to reply, I needed to keep my head in place as I worked, so I swallowed it until I had chance to think. As I picked up my phone to reply, you walked through the door.
At that moment a thousand thoughts ran through my head, what we're you here for, is it going to be OK? Had you changed your mind or had you come to finalise everything for us splitting up? Had you packed my things? I daren't hope, but when you asked me to talk, I knew that you were here for everything I'd hoped for. I could tell in your voice, the voice I so long to hear now, that you were nervous, but hopeful too. As we went into the kitchen at work I held my breathe and said a silent prayer. I felt like the princess being rescued by her prince when you started telling me how much you regretted everything and how sorry you were. There was no doubt in my mind to forgive you, we were taking a massive step together and everyone deserves a wobble and a second chance.
You sat with me whilst I finished work, we talked about the house and how much you still wanted to push on with all our plans. You told my colleague that I was the best thing that ever happened to you and that you couldn't risk losing me for good. I still, even know, feel that way about you. You're still the one for me.
We went back to my parents' house and you apologised to them, this wasn't something I asked of you, but you did it anyway. I had so much respect for you right there and even though my heart was bursting, my tummy was filling with anxiety. I think it was just the amount of stress and emotions I'd been holding back, but also the realisation of how close I'd come to losing you. We drove home in our separate cars and when we arrived back at the apartment, you'd already ordered pizza. We talked some more that night, but you reassured me that this was everything you wanted and I believed you. I didn't really sleep well that night and I still couldn't shift the anxiety. I didn't know why and I explained this to you. You got a bit pushy about me going to swim it off but I really didn't feel like it. I just assumed that once we'd settled ourselves down again, it would disappear.
You helped that afternoon to collect the things from my parents house and as we carried everything up the stairs, you made me promise that the next time we moved those boxes, it would be into the house we were going to live in for the next 50 years. I made that promise without a doubt in my mind. You were everything I'd ever wanted. You were my hero, my Prince, my future but most importantly, my best friend.
We should have been going out that night, but you wanted to get the rest of the paper work sorted for the house. This was urgent but as we sat to sign the piece of paper that would secure our dream home I checked that you were 100% sure, you said you were, and asked if I was too. Of course I felt I was, but then you asked me another question, What would I do if you said you wasn't sure. I thought you were joking, so my flippant reply was, 'there's always a room at my mum's,'....... I know now, having learned a few things since we split, that that was probably the worse thing I could have said. I didn't mean it as I said it, I was trying to make light of the situation, but I think deep down you took it to heart. You were a bit quiet again that night and fell asleep on the couch. But really, that was the real beginning of the end for us.....
The following morning, you got up for work and I set off shortly afterwards. It started as a typical day, but after texting you in the afternoon and not receiving a reply I knew I wasn't going home to a happy end to the day.
You were in bed when I got home. You'd not really looked after yourself the weekend we'd been apart, so it had taken it's toll. I'm not really sure what happened really. You told me you'd been having doubts about the house and during that day, so had I, so I told you, we could put the plans for the house on hold. That was fine, but then things started to escalate and suddenly there was no turning back. The doubts you were having were getting bigger and I felt powerless to stop them growing. I called my mum, she said not to do anything drastic. You went and called your parents. although, I know you never spoke to them even though you told me you had. I spoke to your mum the following day. I knew though that when you came back in, you'd decided. I'd already packed a bag as my gut was saying it was done. If only I'd have stayed and fought.
I didn't know it at the time how much it had hurt you that your ex had walked out on you. I know you'd split up before, but you'd just bought your house together and were very much in a similar situation as we were. But for whatever reason, she walked away. I don't think it helped us that we needed to be in contact with her while sorting our mortgage, a constant reminder of the things that have gone wrong in the past. I just wish you could see that I'm not her and that I do love you so much. I'd have never left permanently, not really. But I think you saw me leaving that night as a reflection that I was the same as her and that I was going to hurt you eventually in the same way. I'd already showed you I was capable. But, I didn't think I was leaving You. I was leaving a situation that I didn't know how to handle. Please understand, the person I love more than anything in this world was telling me he had doubts about our future. There was obviously a lot going on in your head at the time, but I'll never forgive myself for not fighting for you that night, for not trying to show you what you mean to me. You probably thought, that if I could leave so easily yet again, that you'd made the right decision. But I need you to know that it wasn't easy. I know that night was the first time I'd shouted at you. You'd helped me put my things in the car, but then you just stood there. I needed you in that moment to stop this. To realise what a mistake we were making, but you just stared at me. So I shouted. I shouted at you and I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.
I let you down that night and proved any fears you had correct, but I didn't mean too. Please understand just how scared I was in those moments. I was about to lose you and if it was going to happen I wanted it over quickly. I honestly thought when things had calmed down, that we'd be able to sort things.
I've told you in a text message how much I regret what happened. I don't think you can express in a text those sorts of feelings. It doesn't seem enough. I wish I knew how you really feel about it. I've seen you just once since this happened and I was almost relived to see that you looked how I felt. You were tired and drawn. You watched me drive away again that night, I saw you watching. I just wonder what you were thinking. Were you happy that I'd left? Did you know that it would be the final time you'd see me? Did it hurt you as much as it hurt me?
I'd like to believe that your actions are those of someone wishing to protect themselves. You've stopped all contact now. Sent some really harsh messages and told me you don't want to see me. Those closest to me are saying it's because you're hurting and I need to give you time to miss me, but as much as that's a nice thought, I daren't think about it. I almost need to think about you being horrid to me as it allows me to miss you a little less. If I could turn the clock back, there's so much about those last few weeks we had together that I'd change. I'd make sure that you knew without a shadow of a doubt how much you meant to me. I wouldn't be so tired all the time and I'd ensure you knew that I wasn't taking you for granted. I'd fight for you with every ounce of my being.
It's normal to have doubts when you're taking the steps that we were. Getting a house together was massive and I understand that it was bigger for you because it had already gone wrong once before. We'd talked about marriage and children too, which again, is scary stuff. But these things didn't have to happen straight away, or at all. I need you to know that I wasn't with you because of what you could give me. Material things don't matter. I was with you because I was in love with you, you the person. You who could talk to anyone about anything and you did. You who made me belly laugh and you, who had the kindest eyes and kindest heart you could ever hope to find in a person. It was you I wanted, nothing more.
Over the time we were together, you weren't only my boyfriend, or partner. You weren't just the person I lived with or the person I woke up to each morning. The person I had sex with and fell asleep with each night. You weren't just the person I called when something happened during my day or just the person who cooked me dinner each evening. You were all of those things to me. Each and every one. You became my best friend. The person who meant the most to me. It's hard letting that go. It's hard to think that you might be doing that with someone else one day. Its even harder to think that we'll never get the chance to do all those things together again. I miss you, so much it hurts. And I still don't really understand how it came to this. It feels so wrong, like we've thrown it away.
We never had a row or a fight. Maybe we should have done but we'd already said it was such a waste of time. The closest we've come is the last text messages we sent. I'm still feeling bad about my final message, but I do stand by it. The guilt is that it may have hurt you, not that it wasn't true. I told you I don't recognise you right now. You're not the person I fell in love with. He was warm and kind and you're someone cold that's taken over his body. I told you I thought you'd lost your integrity and true self. Maybe the integrity bit was true, but what's been lost is my Mr Right. The one I fell for. The person you were when you were with me. The most sweetest, selfless, caring man. You're funny and chatty and home. You are my home. My friend, my lover, my future. Losing you means I've lost everything I'd hoped for us. And I'm sorry I never showed you in those final days just how much that meant to me. I've lost my Mr Right and I'm going to have to learn to grieve for that person because he's not coming back. You don't exist any longer. And that's heart breaking.
I've said before how sorry I am about walking away, I know I'm just repeating myself now. But I was so shocked about everything that my instinct was to flee. But I should have cared more. I should have put you first. I was so scared I wasn't thinking straight. My brother thinks I should never have moved out. That weekend you were away, I packed up my things and emptied our home of any trace of me. I can say that with every box filled and item moved I felt a stabbing pain in my gut. A constant reminder that what we were doing was wrong, that it shouldn't be happening, but I didn't know what the right thing to do was. We didn't really talk about it and I honestly felt that I was hurting you by just being there.
I'll regret forever not showing you that the doubts you had were unfounded. I want to be there to support you through whatever it is you're going through. I'm still here and I'll be here for you. If only I could show just how much I need you and how much I know you need me. We can be that team again. but more than anything right now I'm scared of pressuring you and making you feel overwhelmed.
Maybe that was how you were feeling, overwhelmed, and it was just easier to end everything than try and work through it. I just don't know and without talking to you I'll never know how to fix things. But the fear of making things worse stops me each time I try to text and every time I pick up the phone. You have no idea how much I miss hearing your voice. But this is the way you want it to be and right now I'm to frightened to try and change it.
There's that saying about if you love something you must let it go. So I'm really trying. You've told me to move on, I'm not sure it's that easy, but I will let you go. In the true hope that when you've dealt with whatever it is that's causing you all the heartache and confusion you may come back. This doesn't mean that I'm putting my life on hold, or that I won't be moving forward, but right now I'm taking time to heal, to try to learn to live without you.
It's pretty tough to hear that someone's life is better without you in it. I mean, that's quite a hurtful thing to say, let alone hear. And that's basically what you said to me in your last text, that you're happy and nothing I can say will change your mind. It was like being stabbed through the heart. It did give me a fuck you stance too, but that didn't really last. That's why it's so hard too, because that's not something You would ever normally say. It's not in your nature to be so harsh. Even if you lost your rag, you're always the one to feel guilty about it.
I still wonder what you're up to most days. How you're filling the time we'd have spent together. I hate to think of you on your own, but maybe that's what you need right now. I'm sure you'll have planned a few getaways during the holidays, basically picking up the life you had before we met. I just wish it was us going away and making memories together. It makes me cross too, as I'm still here picking up the pieces of our relationship and you're very much further on than me.
You're my first thought in a morning. You're where my mind goes in those moments of calm during each day. I think about you as I'm going to sleep and you haunt my dreams like a lost soul.
If by any chance you have read this, I just want to say yet again that I'm sorry. For leaving, for not supporting you and fundamentally not being there that first night you explained your doubts. Maybe if I'd have stayed, we wouldn't be where we are now. If I could change things I would. In a heartbeat. And if you have any feelings left for me, please don't be afraid to get in touch. I'm too scared to contact you now. I don't think my heart could cope with the rejection. I'm still finding it hard to understand how it came to this. We were just so happy and even though nobody has a perfect relationship, ours came close. Maybe your feelings hadn't been as strong as mine and you are relieved its all over. Maybe you feel it's best that you're on your own for now. Maybe you've already met someone new and you're starting over with them; that's the one that hurts the most. Maybe what we had really was as great as I think and maybe, just maybe, it's worth another shot, one last push to see if we can sort ourselves out, because don't we deserve that? Maybe start again from the beginning, write a different ending?
I know it's a long shot and I know that you told me to move on. But it's not that easy when it's not what you truly want. I still love you, I'm still in love with you. I don't really know what else to say. That's my truth....... I don't think it will be enough, but I'm hopeful.
Forever in my heart.
I know it's a long shot and I know that you told me to move on. But it's not that easy when it's not what you truly want. I still love you, I'm still in love with you. I don't really know what else to say. That's my truth....... I don't think it will be enough, but I'm hopeful.
Forever in my heart.
Sunday, 5 August 2018
The post I never thought I'd write.
That's because I never thought I'd end up in this position. Single again and nursing a hurting heart.
After my last post it suddenly occurred to me just how much love I do have for my ex, Mr Right. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to bury it or convince myself that I'm fine, it's there in the background each and every day. How much I wish he were here, how much I wish we were getting to spend that day together or that evening. How much I just want to hear his voice or give him a cuddle.
I've thought about writing a post about the break up before, it's only fair that I give you a true account of what happened so that you can possibly understand my actions going forward. If you understand his actions, please let me know, as I'm still so confused. Maybe that's why it's so hard to write about it, as I don't really understand it myself. I was hopeful that given a bit of time I'd be more ready to talk about it, but honestly, I'm not sure that will ever really be the case. It's now or never.
So, I've decided it's best to write him a letter. Not that I plan to send it and it's unlikely he'll ever find or read this blog; but like the short letters in my Dear Heart post, maybe it will help to make sense of everything and give me the closure I so desperately need. There will be tears, mine of course, but here it goes.......
Dear Mr Right,
Where do I start with you?
I have this notion, that we had it so good, you'll come to your senses and we can make another go of it. You braved it out once before, I still carry faith you can do it again. But then of course reality hits. The likelihood of us getting back together is non existent, you won't even talk to me, let alone see me. I just don't know what I did wrong.....
I remember our first date so vividly. You wore a bright red cap because you'd had a hair cut you weren't happy with and still wanted to make a good impression. It was a baking hot day and we went for ice cream. You talked so much your ice cream melted so it dripped onto your trainers. I got sand in my sandals so they rubbed a great blister on my toe. But we laughed. A date that I thought might last an hour or so, we were still chatting and giggling four hours later. You held my hand on the way back to the car and it just felt right, you kissed me goodbye and I didn't want to leave. All the stuff you'd ever hope for of a first date, the stuff fairy tales are made of.
Things moved pretty quickly from then on. We had our second date just two days later and our third two days after that. We didn't really want to be apart from one another and we did what we could to see each other constantly. We had lots in common but also enough differences that made conversations interesting and the laughter flowed easily. I had a need to be around you and I think that showed. If I'd have written a list of everything I'd ever wanted in a partner, you'd have ticked every box. Humour, kindness, generosity, thoughtful, and of course handsome to boot. What more could a girl wish for?
The day I realised you were the one, was the day you left to go on holiday. We'd been dating for about a month and you were off on your summer boys trip. I've never hated an idea more. I've no reason for it other than I'd miss you, but I just didn't want you to go. I was so relieved when you felt the same. I had to go to work that day, but you came with me to spend as much time together as we could. You even drove all the way back to my place when I finished, just so we could spend an extra hour together before you had to leave. Young Love, New Love. We'd not used that word yet but I knew it.
We were apart ten days and with flight delays, a puncture on your car and what seemed like everything going against us, I was worried we wouldn't be reunited. Of course, that was me being dramatic. I'd been counting down the hours. And when you walked through my front door that night I've never honestly been so happy. I don't have the words to express that amount of emotion. You were home and all was right with the world.
Home.... that's what you became for me. I did explain this to you when we were splitting up. A home to me isn't a house, or an apartment. A home is what makes you complete, makes you feel safe. A haven from everything that's going on in the world. You became that to me. You're my home, not walls and furniture. But two arms and a heartbeat.
You managed to change me as a person, but not in a bad way. You mellowed me, made me see that it really doesn't matter if things go wrong, because everything can be fixed. Just not our relationship it seems. I was calm for the first time in years. I was happy to take time off work and enjoy being away. I allowed us to make plans, something I'd never done before, because I was always too scared of them going wrong or getting hurt. But getting hurt never seemed to be an option with you. You held me tight, you allowed me to explain my fears and you put them all to rest. Not just by reassurance, but by your actions. You proved to me you were the one and that I was right to trust you, right to believe in you and right to allow myself to plan our future together. And that's what we did.
That first summer was incredible. We went to new places, making memories all the time. Then one night you told me you loved me. It wasn't an extraordinary day but by doing that, you made it so. You'd been at my house while I was working and it was always a better day knowing you'd be there when I got home. You didn't tell me out right straight away, you'd written it along with my nickname on a mini chalk board I kept in the kitchen. I've still got it, tucked away in the memory box. I spotted it and my heart nearly burst. That's how I felt, but I'd been too scared to tell you. Memories like that are so vivid to me and now they hurt so much as everything has disappeared. But in that moment you truly made me the happiest I'd ever been. I never knew I'd been waiting for someone. But you were it, you completed me and made me whole.
It wasn't long before we started making serious plans. Living together was the top one. We decided to start saving and then we could look for a house together. Then one day we went off to have a look at some houses. This was done on impulse, like so many things with us are. Before the day was out, we'd pretty much decided where we were living and the sort of house we wanted. It didn't take very long, maybe a week for these plans to start to take some real action as we decided to move in together to save some extra cash. We were practically living together anyway, it made sense. So, that's what we did. Less than a month later, I'd packed up my life, thrown masses of it away and moved in with you to start our happily ever after.
Marriage was discussed, as was children. It wasn't long ago, we even practically set a date. You made me look in jewellers windows and pick out the rings I liked. We planned how we wanted the house, we planned how we wanted life to go. We discussed our dreams for ourselves, the things we wanted to achieve and the things we hoped for our future together. You're the first person I've met that didn't mind my working hours. You believed in me and were proud of me. Of course, I think, well I hope you knew, that you'd always come first. From the moment we started making our plans, you were my main priority. You were the thing in my life that mattered most. I wanted you to be happy, I'd do anything to give you that happiness, because it mattered. You mattered to me, before anything or anyone else. I hope you know that. Never once did I ever think this would fall apart.
In fact nobody thought it would.
Last Christmas was magical. We spent time with our families and friends. Sharing our love with everyone. We were happy. Christmas can be a tough time for me sometimes. Surrounded by people, but still feeling the loneliness; but by having that one person who was solely yours and you were there just for them. That meant I wasn't lonely anymore. We took 2 trips to Edinburgh that year, because we both booked the same trip as gifts for each other. It was great to spend so much time just the two of us and making memories that will last forever. They hurt right now, but I'm hoping in time I'll be able to look back with fondness. We spent new year together with my family, but as midnight hit, I knew that we were heading for a fantastic year. One that would grant us everything that we'd hoped for. There was so much excitement and things to look forward to, we had it all and I was so just so happy.
After Christmas, the work really began, as we really started saving. I'm not sure if this is where the pressure hit, but I remember saying to my friend around March that I felt like I was spinning plates and I was waiting for at least one to come crashing down. Not once did I ever think that the plate that was destined to crash to the floor would be the one holding our relationship. We were a team, I thought we could survive anything.
We'd both been working hard, I'd taken on extra hours, to ensure we had the money for the deposit; you'd been getting stressed with sorting the paperwork and everything else that comes with organising a mortgage. But I had no doubts that we were doing the right thing. It was tough and it was stressful, but we were doing it together and it felt right. Just not to you.
I'm not sure when your doubts truly began, you said it was only a few days, but after thinking it through, I think deep down it must have been longer. Nobody can throw away what we had, if you haven't taken time to process it all. You'd been snappy with me at the weekend but on Sunday I came home to dinner and an apology. We'd both been tired, so of course it didn't matter. I went to bed that night feeling like all was right with the world. Not knowing that in just a few days, you'd be blowing my world apart.........