Tuesday 21 August 2018

Looking After You.... Lessons from a Normal Girl



Before I start this post, I've just got to say, that in terms of self care, I'm certainly no expert. It's taken all of my thirty something years to even learn to like myself and take a little of the pressure off. I still like to think I'm superwoman and can cope, even when the world is saying to slow down. But over the last couple of years, I've managed to put a few things in place that just make dealing with life a little easier. These are the things that I find work for me, have a little read and they might just come in handy for you too.....

*****

A few years ago, I hit rock bottom, something I'm not exactly proud to admit, but something I am proud that I managed to pull through from and I survived. I am also proud that this part of my life taught me some very valuable lessons and I learnt to put coping mechanisms in place that mean I never have to visit that dark place again.

A very brief run down; I was coming out of a very toxic relationship, having also lost a baby. I was running my business and was new to doing so and I felt that I had the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I was trying to be everything to everyone, trying hard to be perfect in every aspect of life and basically not knowing my arse from my elbow.
It took me a few months, but eventually one day, right in the middle of a meeting, I lost the plot. I got up, walked out and had someone cancel the rest of my day. I couldn't have told you in that moment what was wrong, but something deep inside me broke and I had absolutely no clue how to fix it, I just knew that if I didn't do something, I wouldn't be waking up the next day.

Dramatic huh?

Now, what I do have to tell you is that the process I went through to become myself, actually took nearly 3 years and to this day, I still have times when I haven't got a clue about anything at all. But I have learned that It's OK to be in this postilion and that things usually have a funny way of working themselves out.

So, here it is, my guide to looking after you, to self care or whatever the technical, fashionable term we're using for it is right now... basically I'm going with, how not to lose the plot in this bonkers world..... by me, a normal girl. These are the things I've learned.

Talk to someone and be Honest

The day I lost my shit, was the day I decided to help myself. I phoned a doctor, well, I spoke to a receptionist, and explained surprisingly calmly, that I didn't exactly know what was wrong, but I possibly needed to see someone. Unfortunately, and perhaps it speaks volumes of how our NHS was at the time, the receptionist could only offer me an appointment three weeks later. I never actually took that appointment as it was practical help that I needed and I needed it now. So I took to google and found a therapist. I'm not actually sure that's the right term, maybe personal coach, maybe guardian angel. Either way, I found the courage from somewhere to call the number listed and the woman at the end of the phone, just listened, made me an appointment for 2 days time and told me we'd get everything sorted. And she did. She fixed what she could immediately, then worked through each one of my issues until I became self aware and realised the world wasn't out to get me.
This is something I truly believed saved my life and something that even now, I go back to when times are tough. You need to be able to talk about whats in your head, even the things you know might sound completely bonkers to someone else, but to you they matter. I'm so fortunate to have great supportive friends, who I know I can trust with everything, but a few years ago, I didn't really know this. I was too busy trying to be miss perfect to believe that the people I loved would still love me if I messed up.... The lesson in this, is of course, if they love you, they will love your flaws too. So, until I'd learned that lesson, I took professional help and it's the best thing I could have done for ME and I'm what mattered.


Listen to your body

A big thing for me is to exercise, it really does clear my head. I love to swim and I run, take zumba classes and pretty much put myself through all manner of things to ensure I release enough endorphins to keep me upbeat and functioning. Exercise also keeps my weight at bay and of course, if I'm feeling better in my skinny jeans, all will be right with the world. I'm not a gym enthusiast or a personal trainer, so I can't advise you on what's best to tone your upper arms or shape your bum into the Kardashian round shape that seems so popular right now. I can, however, say that moving and making your body active will release a lot of pressure for you and of course tire you out.
This leads me to the next point of the body care bit, by telling you to sleep.
I'm an actual cow if I'm tired. There's no getting round it, I need my sleep like I need my make up bag. It's essential to my health and well being. Lack of sleep makes us function less and makes decision making pretty much impossible. At my very worst I was surviving on as little as three hours broken sleep each night. I was horrible to be around and an awful person in general. Once in therapy I learned to calm myself enough and tire myself enough, that I gradually built more hours of real sleep into my night; I do however, still sleep with the TV on, as it's a good distraction from my over active brain.
The next thing I'm going to tell you, basically dismisses the first thing, which is don't exercise. I know this sounds stupid after telling you all the benefits, but some days, you're just going to need to go home, put your pj's on and eat pizza. I had one of these days recently, and I knew that although I wasn't burning off the calories, I was doing what my body required of me. I didn't have enough energy that day and I needed to calm my emotional state. I took a bath, I read a book and I ordered take out food. I went to bed early and woke up, not quite a new woman, but one that was more in control than the one that had arrived home the previous evening. You've got to do what's right for you. Allow yourself the evening of comfort, but remember, the next day to get up and bounce back, because it is all too easy to become anti social and too comfortable in your own space.

Escape

Now, I'm not saying hop on a plane to the first hot country you can think of, or maybe I am? If that's what's going to do you some good. Maybe escape was the wrong word for this part, but I'm too lazy to change it now. My escape is as simple as going back to my own house. Notice, I never call it home, as it's not right now. But I do need my own space, which is why I realised I couldn't live with my parents when my relationship with Mr Right went down the pan. You need a place to be yourself, a place you can sit in silence or listen to music. A happy place. If I need to be outside, I'll hit the nearest beach. That's a happy place for me. Or a good long walk somewhere green. I still need to book my holiday this year, an escape from the stresses of work and the pressure I still put on myself, but a simple bath without a disruption or phone to hand works wonders for my mental and physical health too.


It's OK to say No... & Yes

Learning to say No was a huge lesson for me, as for a lot of my life I've felt obligated to do things and attend events that I knew I didn't want to or that I wouldn't enjoy. Sometimes, even doing family stuff can be overwhelming and you need to step away for a while. It's so difficult because we feel the need to explain ourselves and because we're all so PC and don't wish to upset anyone, we go along with things we don't want to. We feel like we should be giving excuses why we can't go to things, on that night out, or visit that person, when deep down, knowing yourself enough to Know it's not for you should be reason enough. I've given up explaining myself and I no longer give reasons for not doing things. If I can't do something I just say 'no thanks'. It really is that simple. Most people will be so surprised by the directness of the answer, they won't question why anyway!

Saying Yes, is sometimes actually harder than saying no, especially if what you're saying yes to is out of your comfort zone. I'm not contradicting myself here either, say no to the things you don't want to do, but Always say yes to the stuff you want to do, even if you've never done it before. Indoor skydiving-yes please! 25 shots-no thanks! I'm a firm believer in keeping yourself challenged in life too, I don't like to get too comfortable in my career, but in my private life I like a bit of calm.

Deciding what you want and what will make you happy, even for a short time, will be great for your personal care. It will help you to live the life you want, rather than the one you feel is expected of you and fundamentally, you'll be a lot happier day to day if you're looking forward to what's in your diary and not just dreading it.


Realise when all of the above isn't enough.....

Sometimes we just need a bit more help. Now, the help I normally need is talking therapy and obviously, I write to clear my thoughts too. But for the last 8 months or so I haven't been feeling right. I put it down to stress at work and the extra hours I'd been doing; and the little matter of saving for the new house with the ex. I do now, looking back, wonder if my change in mental state contributed to my break up, but then I'll never know, so let's not dwell.
So, months later, I'm now dealing with my break up, I'm so busy at work and it's getting busier, plus I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed each day at the moment. I can cry at the drop of a hat and I can't make a decision to save my life, so as much as I'm pained to admit it, I'm back struggling. Not as much as I was all those years ago, but enough to know I don't want it to get any worse. So, after trying to fix myself for the last few weeks, and realising that I could actually do with a bit of help, I've booked an appointment to see my GP. Yes, I have to wait and the likelihood is I'll end up medicated at the end of it; but it's OK. I cried booking the appointment, because somewhere deep down I felt like I'd failed at life, but I've resounded myself to the fact that I need something to help. Something extra to put me back on the right path and before I get to the stage where the bottom of that rock is visible again. I'm no longer ashamed about this and I no longer feel guilty that I'm not superwoman and I can't cope. I need the help and today I've been brave enough to ask for it. If you need it too, don't feel bad about it, or feel like you've failed. You're actually doing yourself a massive favour and its OK. Actually, it's better than OK, it's bloody marvellous, because you're being brave enough to put yourself first. If you broke your leg, you'd ask for help, well, my brain and my emotions are a bit broken right now, so I'm asking for someone to help me fix them and because I matter and my health and well being matters, that's OK.

Today's Quote: 'You can't pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.'


Love CB xx

No comments:

Post a Comment