Well, the short answer to that question, is I do.....
Not that you'd know it. The house I'm living in right now is a rented place my friend sorted for me as I had to move from the apartment I shared with the ex; and after a few weeks of living with my parents, I realised it was one hell of a step backwards.
I need my own space. A place to be me, a place to write, to watch TV, to sleep and when I first moved in, I needed a place to cry without the fear of being overheard. I'm much stronger most days now, so the tears are fewer, but you get my drift don't you.
This week I'm having a house warming party to try and start to feel at home or at least more settled here. It's quite a bland house, the wall are magnolia and I've very little furniture or personal belongings to make it feel my own. I still don't know where everything is, which was mighty evident when I couldn't fine the light switch, so ended up tripping over the mass of not needed, but very much wanted shopping bags I'd left in the hall, and was left in a heap on the floor.
I'm not entirely sure why I decided a house warming party was a good idea. I don't particularly like people being in my personal space and I certainly don't like feeling crowded. There's also no polite way of telling people to leave either, when you've just had enough. My ex and I were actually planning an epic housewarming party when we got our new house, we wanted everyone we cared about under one roof, celebrating our new home with us. Maybe, it was a little of me wanting to recreate this buzz of excitement when I sent out the invites. But I think more than that, its a need to feel surrounded by people. This isn't a normal feeling for me, but this house just feels so empty. There's no life in it and no memories for me. I think I'm hoping it will make the start of something, either my new life, or at least a calmness that I'm missing right now.
I lived alone quite happily before my ex. I was quite content in my little place and it felt secure. It was mine and only those I felt closest too were allowed to cross the front door. It felt right at the time to sell up and move in with my ex. It all happened very quickly and most of the furniture was sold along with everything else. I think this is why it's taking so long to settle here, as there isn't much familiar; even my bed and couches are brand new.
I think deep down I'm craving a need to feel normal. So much has changed in my life the last few weeks and nothing, even going to work, feels right anymore. I think I'm hoping that to bring everyone together might re-ignite something in me.
To have the people around me that were there before my ex and remind myself they're still there now and close by. These are the people I celebrated my 30th birthday with. That I work each day with. That I hold dear. The house isn't really mine, but it does need warming. I want a stain on the carpet where someone split their red wine. I want to see piles of beer and gin bottles the next morning because people had a jolly good time. I want a stinking hangover, because for once I can let my hair down without a worry that I'm being judged by someone. It's about what I need now and I'm super grateful that my friends and loved ones are here to help with that. They know that I need them to be there right now and they're stepping up like they always do.
I don't suppose it's got anything at all to do with the house. I couldn't really care less. It's not my dream home, it's just somewhere I'm staying with the nosiest neighbours going. This is where I am at the present time and for the time being, it's where I'm staying. But more importantly, I'm here surviving each day. And I think it's that that needs the celebration.
I'll let you know how it goes
Love CB xx
Today's Quote: 'Be honest with yourself and do what feels right to you. You are only responsible to live your own life authentically. No one else's.'
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